Home Alone - if you dont count the kids!

Allan is away for work again for 2 weeks this time! So keeping everyone busy while keeping them happy is always fun = add to that its school holidays and the middle of summer its a ball of laughs!

Toy Library is back at work this week so that means back to working 2 jobs! Never boring! Did enjoy the last 5 weeks off one job!

Arliah said to me today (while I was in the shower) Mum when will I grow feathers like you??????????? I am like WHAT?!?!?! And then worked out that she was talking about my pubic hair ((((oh my gooodnessss)))) was all I could do not to LAUGH!
I then informed Arliah that she too would grow feathers when she gets older! Arliah wasn't happy about that!

Hey two posts in one week!

Nothing like a sore foot to SLOW you down!


Life seems was running faster than I was! Flower has was in hospital overnight due to a very high temp! The first doctor looked in her ears but found nothing then an hour later another doctor looked in and said she has a bad ear infection! Flower was given medication and sent home the next day!

That same afternoon we picked up Flowers older sister who I will call "Lolly".
Lolly came for the weekend to have some bonding time with Flower. Lolly is 3 years old and is a sweetie! But Lolly bought some friends with her "NITS" It wasn't a small town it was a thriving city! I spent an hour of finely combing her hair with the products and nit combs! No word of a lie I got upwards of 300 nits out of her hair!

Saturday morning I was running out to the car to get my handbag out! And jumped off my front step (instead of walking down them) Landed on my ankle that rolled and then I heard a POP! Ahhhgggg WAS so painful.... I felt like I was going to pass out! Off to the hospital we headed!

The news was
Torn ligament off my heal bone week in cast then back for a check up!
LIFE is never boring!

Poor AL 5 kids and a wife on crutches! Thankfully all the older kids got right in and helped out! VERY proud of all of them!

Lolly was great to have here and looks like we will be doing this ever other weekend. Lolly is more than welcome as long as we don't have her friends bacK :P
Arliah and Lolly spent most of the weekend playing together happily.

Having the next week off work I am going to find some "ME" time to catch up on some "blog time"!

Dis and Dat! 2 Jobs 4 kids and STUDY!

Life has stepped up a gear...


I am now working two jobs still at Toy Library (LOVING it) and now at DOCS (Community Services) Doing contact work which is picking up foster kids taking them to access with the parents (supervising the access) then taking them back to their foster parents. The only access I don't and cant do is Flowers.

I have to say that it has been such an eye opening experience been on the "OTHER SIDE" of it all. How the kids act around their parents.
Some of these kids have been put though hell and back yet the love they still have and show and the awe they have for these parents blows me away.

I can really see that this new job will teach me to open my eyes a little wider and be thankful for the life I have had.

Still studying but have changed track a little I am doing Diploma of Community Services (Case Management) and Allan has decided to do this as well so we are both heads down bums up!

Kagen, Tiarna and Arliah are LOVING school! Arliah hates the weekends and wants to go to school then as well! LOL!

I am heading to Sydney in May and still waying up all my options of getting there~ I could go by BUS/TRAIN which would have me leaving Broken Hill at 3AM and getting to Sydney at 8pm THAT night!

or

I could FLY leaving Broken Hill at 6:30am and getting into Sydney mid morning and having the day to recover before I need to do 2 workshops for my study!

It all comes down to $$$$$ as there is a BIG difference! from $200 to $500..

Flower is now rolling ALL the way over! She is such a smart little cookie and has a smile that EVERYONE says could melt ice on a cold winters day!

Shouldnt I be happy?????

Its my twins 8th birthday today and I am feeling old..... Well OLDER and the next few weeks are coming with a lot of change..

My Arliah will start BIG school next week leaving me home with Flower! BUT the week after next her court orders will come though.. (it mostly like will be restoration to bios within 6 months IF not sooner!) Or could be home to bios in a week!

I am feeling very lonely, sad, lost, wanting something more... I about 3 seconds away from bursting into tears..

Then I think what on earth is WRONG with me! No one is sick! We haven't been though anything major like the earthquakes in Hatti!

I should just shake my self out of this feeling of sorry for my self...

2010..... Stay on track!

Having to sit down and try and write this post a few times wanting to set some clear goals for 2010...

I have started and then stopped and started again. I have found it hard to define what I want out of this year. Arliah my baby (who at 5 isn't a baby anymore) will start school in the first week in FEB. So all 3 of my bios will be at school and that will leave Flower at home.

Flower well she may be here she may not! Flowers case goes to court the middle of FEB and baring any more hiccups we will know what the plan is for her. The options are

1: court order return to parents (this been my worst case as they can return her the same day as the court orders! And leaving me all alone at home at the same time in FEB)

2: restoration to parents over a set period of time, this could range from 3 - 6 months with some weekend overnight visits to bios. The time she spends will increase each time until she is spending more time with them than us.

3: Court ruling of a 1,2,3 or 18 year older. With it returning to court after the allotted time frames. (Apart from the 18 year order and I really do think that this order will not be done.)


So Flower wise it is up and down like a mini roller coaster! And trying to work on my own feelings, thoughts and getting maybe little of that thing called ME time has been hard!

I want to do more! I want to help more!

HOW WHAT and WHO is what I need to work on!

Another thing is surrounding myself with people that do care about what I want in life. I feel like there are people in my life that are dragging me down like a chain and ball.

My theme song for 2010

I know its a kids song from a kids movie but this really does talk to me!

please read / listen





I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Mama's got a new job!

AND the hours are perfect!

Tuesday and Wednesday from 9am - 1pm

Sweet As!!!!

I am going to be a outreach worker with a place here called Toy Library that provides a service for families to borrow toys, enjoy time with their children. Another person and I will take toys out to kids that cant make it in to the Toy Library...

I am pretty excited!! YAY ME!

Oh and a lil pic of me and my bithday GAL

Flowers Heart!

We are back from Adelaide!

Flower had a busy day starting at 8:30am ending at around 2pm

lots of tests but she did so well I think I worried over like a mother hen! Had a little giggle when I was told that she looked just like me!

The end result was that her heart will heal its self! YAY!!!!

The not so great news is that her eyes are delayed and will need to be checked again early next year! Hoping that she will be able to catch up before her next appointment!

A little about me!! I tell you I was so worried about going on the plane by myself and had really had myself all in knots by the time I got on the plane! The plane was only a tiny one 33 seater plane! The last 10 mins of the ride were the worst as the plane was up and down and sideways!! I am not a show ride fan!! Knowing that I had to turn around and do that flight again in less that 24 hours I wasn't feeling very calm coming home....

But when I arrived home and stepped off the plane I thought to myself I DID I really did it! I felt on such a HIGH!! Now I am not in any rush to jump on to many more planes but I do know that if I have to do it!


I CAN!



..

Crazy

tomorrow is the first of Flowers Dotors appointment first one for her eyes

then I have an apointment tomorrow afternoon

then Thur I have a job interview...

and then fly out to adel on Thur night for the Friday morning 9am appt to see the heart doc!!

that should take about 4 hours and then we fly home Fri night....

oh did i mention that hubby is away for work again

"wondering how I am going fly on a plane with bubs an...d hold on for dear life to the plane" Not a good flyer!! any tips?

How many balls? Too much stress = Unhealthy Me!

Feeling like I had too many many balls in the air and not enough hands.. And if I didn't put one of the balls down I would drop them all......

After some re-working of the family budget and talking it though. I have quit work. I am disappointed but feel a great seance of peace about the decision.

I LOVED the job!

But the hours were too much. I had asked for less but didn't seen to get less they were ringing me all the time asking for more... I felt sick to my tummy every time I said no. Also shift starts at 6am and not finishing until 9pm and night shifts just wasn't working for our family.

AL is going away once a month for a week at a time made it even more nutz!

I told Arliah that I would be able to spend more time with her at home! To which she told me "I don't want to spend more time with you!" Thanks darling I love you too!

On the upside work has told me that in the future if I want to come back they would love to have me.

And even if my one of my kids isn't happy about more mummy time I sure am!

Tough week

Al went away for work this past week and boy was it tough! Home alone with 4 kids 2 dogs 2 rats and 2 fish... Not that the pets were much trouble but you know what I mean....

I have to say that I take my hat off to the single parents of the world!!! How you do it just blows my mind!


We had a rough start..

I had to take Flower to the hospital because she got a nasty lump under her eye. After a 3 hour wait at the hospital we found out that she had a blocked tear duct. They were able to open it up and all this gunk came out!

The next day I lost Tiarna.
She went to a friends house and I was to pick her up 2 hours later! I got the address. When I left to pick her up (putting dinner in the oven to warm) Well I went up and down this street that I was told to.. Could not find the house ( the street is split in two by a huge water treatment plant)

After driving up and down the street for 20mins getting out and asking if anyone knew the house number. The numbers ended at 170 and then started again 279 the house I was looking for was 234...
So I rang 3 different friends who didnt know where this house was. After more calls and now 50 mins of going nutz I found the house!! it was two blocks from where I was looking... I was beside my self with fear and kicking myself that I didnt get a phone number! Flower was crying and Arliah was car sick!

Talk about earning the Worst Mother of the year award! And burning dinner!

That night Flower was up every hour so I was as well! I think her eye was really bothering her..

Feeling worn out and on the end of my rope Kagen was up most of the next night with Asthma...

And to top everything off because it wasnt a big enough week I drooped a boiling hot water kettle over my foot.... Can we get an OUCH!

venting.. Feeling like a YO YO

As you know I started my new job 3 months ago and its been up and down to say the least!

Don't get me wrong I wanted this job!

Just wasn't mentally ready for the learning curve of changing to whole new profession!

In this job until all police checks came back I worked in what is called buddy shifts getting to experience different areas! At one point I had a massive panic attack and was ready to throw it all in!

But I stuck it out knowing that YES change is a BIG part of life!

3 day before going on my solo shifts I was rung and told that I would go from working with the Adults to working with the kids (I had not DONE ANY shadow shifts with them)

SO went from feeling almost comfortable going alone to OMGooodness back at the start again!!!!

But again I got though it and I AM REALLY REALLY enjoying working with the kids!! I look forward to GOING to work!

Until the other day when the boss turned around and said I only there for another month then I will be back working with the adults!

TO SAY I was bummed would be a HUGE UNDERSTATMENT! I really love working where I am now! And I REALLY do not want to keep going back and forth.. I feel like I am starting again now!I also feel that I am gaining the trust of the kids!!! These kids dont like change.

SO I asked my boss if I can have a chat with her soon to work out what could be done... I also told Al what I was doing and how I was feeling...
He got upset and pretty much shot me down in flames for everything wanting to bring this up!

SO here are my questions....

1 only been in the job such a small amount of time what rights do I have?

2 can I ask to be left where I am? (even if I ask for drop in hours to fit in take on the callin hours when someone gets sick)

3 What do I say to Al??
I want to tell him he is been unfair! I have surported him in his 3 job changes!?!?

I need someone somewhere to ask these questions.......

Didnt I just say?

I am sure that I just told you all that I wouldn't be working in the Children's Respite House! My how thing can change! After "happily" completing my last shadow shift in the adults house and feeling GOOD to go on my own! I get a phone call on Friday night asking me to sign the shift forms for the Respite house! Now been a bit dazed and confused (my new normal) I say "no I am not in that house I am in the adult homes" Now there is a bigger state of confusion from me and the lady on the other end of the phone! So after about 4 phone calls and one of them been to my line manager! I find out that I have been moved to the Respite House!! Woohoo!! And OMGoonedssss I haven't done ANY ANY shadow shifts there and my first LIVE shift starts in only 4 days!!!

(side note here I am not GREAT on change I LIVE too much in my own little comfort zone! And I just felt like I was getting me feet on the ground with the Adult homes!)

Yes I know I said I REALLY REALLY want to work in the Respite House! BUT AGHH!!! So I was able to get in ONE shadow shift in on a day that the Respite House had only 2 boys in! These two boys both have Autism and have the worst Behaviors of all of the kids that come into the home!

It started and I felt a bit like a fish out of water! (And one moment of rushing to the bathroom to puke my breakfast) I started to feel a little better and then was confronted with one of the boys who doesn't like change doesn't like new staff and I was both! SO I was hit and kicked and almost bitten! It was so confronting! I both scared and crapping my undies and was so hard trying not to show this on the outside! I got home and felt both physically and mentally drained! I had read about these Behaviors but to be in the firing line was a whole different story!

Well in a few hours I am ON my first REAL shift and have so much more I need to learn! I do feel that this job will be an ever changing always learning job so I am going to need to toughen up!

If any one is still reading LOL and I havent drove you all mad! If you have any GREAT info on Autism - books, web sites etc let me know!

The Tom cat is away and the mice will play?

Allan is off on business till Thursday so its just me and the three kids, 2 dogs (1 we are puppy sitting) Oh Two dogs we are feeding for friends while away, two rats and 2 fish! No don't think I am going to be too lonely!

And don't think I am going to be bored as the kids are still on school holidays, A foster care review, the twins are having a hearing test and my mother in law is going in for an operation! I need to get my butt into gear as I have an essay due soon!

I worked today! My last shadow shift! From now on my shifts are all by myself!
SO bummed as my work at the children's didn't work out because part of my police check hadn't come back so at the last minute they rang and said no! But funny enough I am ok with that has it gave me more time to get to know the adults in the supported houses!

Work have said that when they can get the red tape sorted out that I will get my chanced to work in there!

The adults I am working with have such varying disabilities including Down syndrome, severe to profound mental disability, Cerebral palsy and combining that with those that have seizures and those that have extreme behaviors makes it for a very full on job! There are some that have to have all their needs met to those that can do their own showers etc! I am finding it very rewarding and come home dog tired but happy!

Did you know that 20 kilograms = 44.09 pounds?

And starting today I am needing to lose that amount! Ugh I knew I was overweight but I didn't know I was over the top over weight!!! UGH!!!!!

I have to say looking at that target at the moment it seems so outta reach!!?!?!

I really need healthy eating ideas!!!

My biggest fault would be my snack eating and I need health ideas for it!!

Ahhh and if you have a sec wish me luck!

Panic attacks are H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E.

In my new job I look after people with disabilities who live in grope homes. In our area there are 6 homes with 2-5 people in each home. I have been doing a shift in a new each day.. So on top of getting to know my job I felt like I had been throw into the deep end with no floaties

Today was REALLY horrible! I was at work and about 2 hours into my 4th day ay my new job! And I had a full blown panic attack! Nothing was working I couldn't calm my self. I told the girl (I was shadow shifting)That I need to get out of there.

I came home and just bawled my eyes out! I called Al at work and told him what was happening. Deciding the best idea was to call my boss and talk.


I told my boss how overwhelmed I was feeling about the job and how I felt going from one house to the next house to the next I was really feeling like I couldn't cope it was too much to take in and that if I was excepted to work by my self after these few shifts I didn't think I would be able to be the right person for the job...

My boss was so very understanding. She her self has had panic attacks before and she has only been in her job only 2 months so knows very well how overwhelmed I am feeling.

After talking my boss and I have decided that I will only work in two house's until I get a feel for the job... And that I would do more shadow shifts....

That I have attacks I know they are no where as bad as they use to be! Days like today bring it all back down to earth...

I need to get back up again.

Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of You might bend, till you break Cause its all you can take On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough You get mad you get strong Wipe your hands shake it off Then you Stand

Wordless Wednesday almost

Fried hair! keeping it real!

I was looking for a before photo to show you! The one before I cooked my hair with the hair straightener! Couldn't find one! But came across this one!


Taken at my 18th birthday party! It is a sweet photo of my Dad and me! One of those rare photos that I like of myself! If you click on the photo you can see HOW long my hair used to be!!! Until kids came along!

I look at that photo and how innocent everything was then. How much struggle was to lay a head of me. Would I done anything different then if I had known? I don't think so! Because it would not have lead me to the road I am on now!



Here is a photo taken today! After the needed hair cut from cooking my hair! This is the shortest I have ever been! I am still working on doing it so it looks nice! As you can tell I haven't worked it out YET!
But I look into this photo!


I am not as Innocent as I was. I am fatter! LOL! AND still have pimples!

But I am a mother to 4 children,
I am a wife,
I work hard at my job,
I am studying hard to better my self,
I need to be a better friend,
and think more about others.

I still doubt myself but really trying hard to stop that!



This post was going to be the funny one on HOW I fried my hair but turned into a big self reflection.......

Do I sound like I am whining?

Sorry for the one line of blah! But it is so much how I feel! I have no get up and go! It has got up and went!

I feel like a walking zombie so much that I went to the doctors and asked him to check me over!

He ordered that many blood tests that when they took nine of those little bottle thingys!

My foster girls are starting transition from the 15th and it will go from the Monday to the Friday with the girls spending all day out and coming back here at night. I think it is going to be a very stressful week!

This is the silly season and with all the kids needing to be at something or somewhere almost every other night it really isn't giving me time to try and get on top of things.....

The house is really behind housework wise I wish a little fairy could come and do a major clean for me!

I have family arriving for Christmas right in the middle of transition week to add to the drama! Work is SUPER busy and really wish I didn't have to go there!!

I think I could just find a nice little spot and curl up and go to sleep for a week.....

I need to find the Christmas spirit and get my act into gear!
I promise this will be last depressing post for a while I am will find my mojo soon!

a more detailed post about my foster girls is on my Foster Blog (private)

When 3 packets of cookies dont make you feel better!

I am so OVER IT ok I am having a bad day and what ever could go wrong is....

I am so tired mentally from all the of the stuff to do with Kagen esp the school issues I have rang the Department of Education and they said some one would call me either last Thursday or Friday...

NO CALL! I am giving them until Monday at 3pm and then I am calling again if I hear nothing by Wednesday then I am taking it HIGHER I am going to our regional politician who I pray will be able to DO SOMETHING!

I want some answers on how this can happen and how can they stop it from happening again!

I have really thought about moving the kids out of the school! But wonder if I am just going from the pot to the frying pan! With only 4 weeks of the school year left we are running out of time to get things done!

This morning all the kids have been FERAL! I have lost count how many "time outs" have been handed out and its only 10:30am! Everyone must have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!!! Allan is at work and I just need a brake!

Its not often that I feel like I need to go lock myself in the toilet and stay there but this morning is one of those times!!!

That is were the 3 packets of cookies I ate are not doing the job I had hoped!! Now I just feel guilt for eating them! So I have come to VENT on my blog!

Yes this does sound like poor pit a ful me! I know there are so many so much worse off....